Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Universe: 1, Me: 0

It seems to be one of those days when it is obvious that the entire Universe is set on destroying what little is left of my sanity. From the moment I woke up things began to go wrong.

My communicator is obviously broken. I tell daughter to take a QUICK shower…daughter must have heard ‘take the longest shower of your life!! It will be fun!’
I tell son to get ready for school…son surely heard ‘go hide from mom so she cannot find you and when she does, taunt her by waving dollar bills within inches of her face and repeatedly ask if it’s a ‘snack-shack’ day at school!

Being budget conscious (New Year’s resolution) I decide to make my lunch. Great idea on a normal day. Bad idea today. No matter how you squeeze or aim the mustard bottle it WILL explode like its sole job is to create a Jackson Pollock original; this morning the canvas of choice? Me. :/

Last night I had pre-planned (in my mind) an awesome professional, but super fashion-forward, outfit of which I had visions of myself strutting into work past all my coworkers while being applauded for my amazing fashion sense. This plan, apart from being boviously flawed, was very quickly derailed. My left shoe was not where it should have been - next to the right shoe. This inevitably resulted in me stomping around the house in one black stiletto (including up and down the stairs)...sounding like a lopsided elephant while I yelled at the missing inanimate object to show itself immediately! Luckily for the shoe’s life it was found reasonably quick-like, but then problem number two arose; one of the shoe seams was entirely ripped open. I panicked…then grumbled…and quickly decided I did not have time to deal with this. So I did what any reasonable person would do in this situation; I grabbed the duct tape and a black sharpie.

Before the children and I walked out the door I regrouped. Took a deep breath; tried to set everything that had just happened aside. When the front door shut behind me it would be a fresh start!

I didn’t get that far.

Upon opening the door we found it was raining. (Yes, our house came with windows. No, I didn't pause to look out them). This complicates things for me – I gave away one umbrella (the other, I have NO idea where it might be hiding) so I now wear a rain fedora, aka a fedora I only wear when it’s raining. I have to walk a block or so to work and there is nothing worse than getting stuck in an elevator with 8 other people wondering why you look like a drowned rat when you know better because you live in a REALLY rainy state! I know they think this because I have come to find out that not a lot of people keep these kinds of thoughts to themselves. I have also had the not-so-glorious experience of my shoes becoming little boats in the rain and did not find it to be the kind of fun like the man and woman did who were prancing around splashing in puddles “Siiiingingggg in the rainnnn!” And so to me, rain = rainboots + rain fedora.

After finally getting in the car (which is a story totally in and of itself) and getting the kids to school late, I finally head to work. The rest of my morning consisted of my freezing hands stuck to the steering wheel (I forgot my new gloves, purchased for this very reason); a smashed fedora (which I stubbornly wore anyway) and a parking lot badge that is giving me the silent treatment (for the past 3 days it hasn’t worked even after I had been assured MULTIPLE times it had been fixed).

Moral of the story? Duct tape and a black sharpie can resolve anything.

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