6:00 AM I hit the snooze button and groggily remember that I told my 10yr old I would take him to school this morning by 7am for ‘muffins for moms’. A PTO fundraiser under the guise of celebrating mothers. Well played, PTO, well played. Who’s child won’t be demanding their mom buy them donuts and muffins, ‘because we loooove you, mom!’. I crankily attempt to not think about this whilst closing my eyes for a couple more minutes.
6:40 AM Darting out of bed, now dangerously close to being late, I quickly prioritize….makeup? Nope. Hair...quick glance in the mirror tells me HELL YES! No need to completely terrify the kidlets! Coffee...a must. I piece together the fastest semi-professional - yet still comfy - outfit I can.
6:55 AM Son smiles sheepishly at me and informs me that he was SO prepared he packed his lunch INTO his backpack the night before! Pulled pork...overnight...in backpack...I negotiate with myself and decide safety first! Get son to re-pack a fresh, non-bacteria filled, lunch while explaining the dangers of un-refrigerated meat.
7:05 AM We arrive at the school. YES! Parking is not bad yet! We walk into the school and I follow my son down the hall to the cafeteria guards (aka PTO dads) who are ‘accepting donations’. After paying my fee for 800+ sugary calories (of which I ate none). I watch as my son selects a healthy breakfast of chocolate milk and refined, processed flours and sugars.
7:07 AM The part I dread. Finding a seat. This is where stay-at-home moms separate from leave-the-home moms. Those who have participated in school activities and bonded with other mothers vs those of us who wish we had time to bond with others. My son finds his one friend there this early, who’s mom was more prepared than most (kudos, mom!), and we make our way to sit with them. It went about how I thought. A lot of muffin eating...not a lot of chit chatting.
7:15 AM Teacher walks by and put-together-mom, across the table from me, whips out a gift for said teacher! VOILA! Words of gratitude are passed between them. In my mind, I’m wondering how I forgot I was supposed to bring gifts to this celebration of moms. It dawns on me this is also teacher appreciation week/month...must be that...note to self donate more money for teacher appreciation.
7:30 AM HUNDREDS of calories devoured, sugar settling in, my son is finally ready to leave the table. This is about the only time I’m glad he’s a fast eater! We walk around talking about best spots to play before school starts. Don’t forget to be nice and respectful. And I surprisingly squeeze a hug out of him (in front of people even!) before heading off to work.
7:51 AM Made it! Apparently the scare of Obama shutting down Portland for his trip had done well to warn people off the roads. Huzzah for this win, Obama! As I park, I luckily remember that my list of priorities had not included makeup prior to muffin-eating. Dabbing and brushing at my tired face I think maybe I should make a 60 second makeup video in the future. I'll call it 'paint yourself awake in seconds'. I begin my 3 block jaunt to work aka my time to contemplate why I come here day after day instead of bonding with other mommies over muffins.
8:30 AM I silently congratulate all the smokers for not smelling especially stinky today!
9:00 AM The surround sound conference call begins. Three different managers in three different offices across the room join the same conference call. Their doors shut like dominos toppling each other over. More smokers arrive, escalating the smell from tolerable to trash can. Now someone is clipping their fingernails in one of the offices…
9:03 AM Delirium sets in.
Thank goodness for dear friends who understand how office space-esque some mornings feel, and their subsequent offer to share flair (see Office Space if you don't catch the reference).