A day in the life of...

6:00 AM I hit the snooze button and groggily remember that I told my 10yr old I would take him to school this morning by 7am for ‘muffins for moms’.  A PTO fundraiser under the guise of celebrating mothers.  Well played, PTO, well played.  Who’s child won’t be demanding their mom buy them donuts and muffins, ‘because we loooove you, mom!’.  I crankily attempt to not think about this whilst closing my eyes for a couple more minutes.

6:40 AM Darting out of bed, now dangerously close to being late, I quickly prioritize….makeup? Nope.  Hair...quick glance in the mirror tells me HELL YES! No need to completely terrify the kidlets!  Coffee...a must.  I piece together the fastest semi-professional - yet still comfy - outfit I can.

6:55 AM Son smiles sheepishly at me and informs me that he was SO prepared he packed his lunch INTO his backpack the night before!  Pulled pork...overnight...in backpack...I negotiate with myself and decide safety first!  Get son to re-pack a fresh, non-bacteria filled, lunch while explaining the dangers of un-refrigerated meat.

7:05 AM We arrive at the school. YES! Parking is not bad yet!  We walk into the school and I follow my son down the hall to the cafeteria guards (aka PTO dads) who are ‘accepting donations’.  After paying my fee for 800+ sugary calories (of which I ate none).  I watch as my son selects a healthy breakfast of chocolate milk and refined, processed flours and sugars.

7:07 AM The part I dread.  Finding a seat.  This is where stay-at-home moms separate from leave-the-home moms.  Those who have participated in school activities and bonded with other mothers vs those of us who wish we had time to bond with others. My son finds his one friend there this early, who’s mom was more prepared than most (kudos, mom!), and we make our way to sit with them.    It went about how I thought.  A lot of muffin eating...not a lot of chit chatting.

7:15 AM Teacher walks by and put-together-mom, across the table from me, whips out a gift for said teacher! VOILA! Words of gratitude are passed between them.  In my mind, I’m wondering how I forgot I was supposed to bring gifts to this celebration of moms.  It dawns on me this is also teacher appreciation week/month...must be that...note to self donate more money for teacher appreciation.

7:30 AM HUNDREDS of calories devoured, sugar settling in, my son is finally ready to leave the table.  This is about the only time I’m glad he’s a fast eater!  We walk around talking about best spots to play before school starts.  Don’t forget to be nice and respectful.  And I surprisingly squeeze a hug out of him (in front of people even!) before heading off to work.

7:51 AM Made it!  Apparently the scare of Obama shutting down Portland for his trip had done well to warn people off the roads.  Huzzah for this win, Obama!  As I park, I luckily remember that my list of priorities had not included makeup prior to muffin-eating.  Dabbing and brushing at my tired face I think maybe I should make a 60 second makeup video in the future. I'll call it 'paint yourself awake in seconds'.  I begin my 3 block jaunt to work aka my time to contemplate why I come here day after day instead of bonding with other mommies over muffins.

8:30 AM I silently congratulate all the smokers for not smelling especially stinky today!

9:00 AM The surround sound conference call begins.  Three different managers in three different offices across the room join the same conference call. Their doors shut like dominos toppling each other over.  More smokers arrive, escalating the smell from tolerable to trash can.  Now someone is clipping their fingernails in one of the offices…

9:03 AM Delirium sets in.

Thank goodness for dear friends who understand how office space-esque some mornings feel, and their subsequent offer to share flair (see Office Space if you don't catch the reference).

Universe: 1, Me: 0

It seems to be one of those days when it is obvious that the entire Universe is set on destroying what little is left of my sanity. From the moment I woke up things began to go wrong.

My communicator is obviously broken. I tell daughter to take a QUICK shower…daughter must have heard ‘take the longest shower of your life!! It will be fun!’
I tell son to get ready for school…son surely heard ‘go hide from mom so she cannot find you and when she does, taunt her by waving dollar bills within inches of her face and repeatedly ask if it’s a ‘snack-shack’ day at school!

Being budget conscious (New Year’s resolution) I decide to make my lunch. Great idea on a normal day. Bad idea today. No matter how you squeeze or aim the mustard bottle it WILL explode like its sole job is to create a Jackson Pollock original; this morning the canvas of choice? Me. :/

Last night I had pre-planned (in my mind) an awesome professional, but super fashion-forward, outfit of which I had visions of myself strutting into work past all my coworkers while being applauded for my amazing fashion sense. This plan, apart from being boviously flawed, was very quickly derailed. My left shoe was not where it should have been - next to the right shoe. This inevitably resulted in me stomping around the house in one black stiletto (including up and down the stairs)...sounding like a lopsided elephant while I yelled at the missing inanimate object to show itself immediately! Luckily for the shoe’s life it was found reasonably quick-like, but then problem number two arose; one of the shoe seams was entirely ripped open. I panicked…then grumbled…and quickly decided I did not have time to deal with this. So I did what any reasonable person would do in this situation; I grabbed the duct tape and a black sharpie.

Before the children and I walked out the door I regrouped. Took a deep breath; tried to set everything that had just happened aside. When the front door shut behind me it would be a fresh start!

I didn’t get that far.

Upon opening the door we found it was raining. (Yes, our house came with windows. No, I didn't pause to look out them). This complicates things for me – I gave away one umbrella (the other, I have NO idea where it might be hiding) so I now wear a rain fedora, aka a fedora I only wear when it’s raining. I have to walk a block or so to work and there is nothing worse than getting stuck in an elevator with 8 other people wondering why you look like a drowned rat when you know better because you live in a REALLY rainy state! I know they think this because I have come to find out that not a lot of people keep these kinds of thoughts to themselves. I have also had the not-so-glorious experience of my shoes becoming little boats in the rain and did not find it to be the kind of fun like the man and woman did who were prancing around splashing in puddles “Siiiingingggg in the rainnnn!” And so to me, rain = rainboots + rain fedora.

After finally getting in the car (which is a story totally in and of itself) and getting the kids to school late, I finally head to work. The rest of my morning consisted of my freezing hands stuck to the steering wheel (I forgot my new gloves, purchased for this very reason); a smashed fedora (which I stubbornly wore anyway) and a parking lot badge that is giving me the silent treatment (for the past 3 days it hasn’t worked even after I had been assured MULTIPLE times it had been fixed).

Moral of the story? Duct tape and a black sharpie can resolve anything.

Inaugural Funny

And so, I've decided to blog.

There are just too many funnies that can no longer go unmentioned! Hopefully you will be entertained.

For my inaugural funny I have to post a story some of you may be familiar with - the infamous Elevator story...hope you enjoy!

I was juggling 2 bags, caffeine, and a large umbrella while fighting to free my security badge from my coat pocket in time to catch an elevator. As the elevator doors began to close, its occupant merely staring at my predicament, I had no choice but to toss up a leg in sacrifice, like a line dancer doing a can-can, in hopes the elevator gods would spare my limb and allow me safe passage!

Thankfully I made it, limbs attached. The elevator gods had seen fit to spare me...for a short time. A very short time..

Chapter 2 of the Elevator Saga: On my way back up from lunch - in a very crowded elevator - my purse rubbed against the wall and to my HORROR made the heartiest of all fart sounds, not once, but TWICE! When people actually started giving me concerned looks I HAD to explain it was the bag not me. LMFAO...but I don't think they believed me!